Marijuana Regulations- If You Don't Like My Honesty, Don't Make Me Use It

I have said this before, I am a PROUD OMMP card holder. I have had an experience that has not only left me shaking my head but asking, "Why isn't there REGULATION!?" I am going to tell you what happened to me. But first, a little about me.

I am a laid back, easy going person. I understand that things happen that are out of our control and I accept it. I seriously would rather run away than fight. I am not good at standing up for myself, however I will defend those that are helpless and ones I love. That said, here is my story...

I get my OMMP card for the first time last year (2011). This is all so new and exciting for me! I have never been able to PICK a strain to actually TREAT my pain before! Then I discover that I am able to get someone to grow for me! I ask around to see if anyone knows of a grower looking to take on a new patient. I hear this lady has growers and she can help me. So I sign on with her. The terms seem right, everything seems legit, then again I have no clue what I am doing! So during the summer I sign paperwork stating this woman will bring me my year of medicine in November 2012. I am told not only by her but by SEVERAL other people how happy I will be! I am beyond excited I was able to get in on such a good thing!

Ok, fast forward to the first week of November. I get a message to make sure to have gas money ready as we agreed upon when I signed the paperwork. I honestly had forgotten about that and was happy she reminded me. I was told to expect to meet up to get my medicine that weekend. She was leaving her town Friday. Cool, I think no problem I have all weekend to meet up and take care of this. No. Friday night I get a text she is in town. Ok, I talk to My Ex and let him know she is on her way. She gets lost. No issue. We talk her through on how to get here. During one call I hear her say someone needs to use our bathroom. Me being who I am (I was raised well after all) say it is no problem, of course they may use our bathroom. Then it dawns on me she has someone else with her! Uhhhhh.... She is bringing a stranger to my house! It is ok, My Ex is there and so are the dogs. Ok, no big deal and let it go. Oh, maybe I should mention I deal with anxiety. And this situation made my anxiety insane. Anyway back to the story cuz it only gets better!!!!

So she gets to my house, I meet her in the driveway and see she not only has one person with her but two. Oh, and they are both her children. One is of legal age and one is not. One has a mental disability and one does not (at least not a visible disability like the other child). The elder child is the one needing to use the bathroom and well, he did, in his pants. Not a problem. Seriously, these things happen. Take them into the bathroom so they can clean him up, give him a pair of my shoes, and a trash bag, you know, kind things you do for your fellow humans. She is horrified it happened, I tell her over and over it is no big deal. Because honestly it wasn't. I only mention it because I refuse to leave out any details of this story. Her other child was restless and wandered my house, went into my bedroom, went into our spare room, watched us, listened to us. Oh, I forgot to mention that when I met her in the driveway she informed me she told another patient to come to my house. I find out this patient has a disability and has issues with vocal communication. I try my best to keep the other patient in the loop as to what we are discussing, it is hard. So, here is what we discussed:

My caregiver gave me incredibly wet shitty medicine. Knowingly. It was one of the first things she said to me when she got to my house. These meds are shit. I thought, well maybe they are shit to you, maybe they will be good for me. Stupid me always trying to find the positive in the negative! She explains how to trim the buds and how to sweat it to cure it. She shows me what she is giving other patients. I must say their medicine looks a LOT better than the shit I got! I am sad and I know everyone can see it. I am terrible at hiding such things! I am still just so excited to have SO much medicine! I was thrilled!

A "year" of medicine 

So it has been a couple hours. We are waiting for her child to finish cleaning up in the bathroom. My Ex was so patient that night. I have no idea why he did not come uncorked and kick people out of our home, looking back maybe he should have. Over the couple of hours my caregiver goes on and on about how the grower is an asshole for cutting down our meds too early and just giving it to us in the state he did. Like I open my big bag of mystery weed and there are stems in there. Just stems. So not only is it wet, but it is not all bud. That means this is NOT a year of medication, it is under. She also goes on and on about how she will try to make this right and exchange the meds out for better meds weight for weight. It didn't dawn on me then that the weights would be way off. They finally get him out of the bathroom and everyone leaves. 

So about a week passes and I let her know the meds are still very wet and I ask her if she knows what it is I am smoking. She didn't know the names of the strains when she delivered the meds. I tell her I am guessing the big bag is an indica and the smaller ones are sativa. She said I was right. I think she said that at least. Her texts are not clear and most of the time incoherent. She says she wants to still exchange my meds. I feel ok about that, I was told she is the best. My trust is slipping though as I hear her bashing a patient and a patient is bashing her. I do not want to get involved, however she brought this patient to my house and she involved me. I stay out of it as much as I can, I am able to see both sides and think they are just having a misunderstanding. Keep in mind I remained neutral (hopeful my caregiver would do the right thing).

More time passes and I keep trying to figure out when we are exchanging meds. I tell my caregiver via text I am concerned about exchanging weight for weight as she mentioned due to how wet it was when I got it. She then informs me the grower said if I am not happy I should go elsewhere and nobody would be exchanging my meds. My caregiver told me to write OMMP a letter and inform them how unhappy I am. Well I have taken her advice. And as you can see I have taken pictures.

The top two are what my "caregiver" gave me. No I did NOT pick at the middle nug. This is how it was delivered to me. The bottom nug is Grand Daddy Purps. This is medicine the same caregiver gave to another patient in my town.

If I were taking morphine still, there would not have been children present in my home while I was getting my prescription filled. There would not have been another patient at my home learning about my medical history and my learning hers. This is unacceptable. Not only that, I got ready to use morphine, not shit that wasn't ready. 

I do not understand why OMMP is cutting employees. They need to be hiring them. OMMP brings in so much money for the state, they need to use it to regulate the medicinal and recreational use of marijuana. They need to stop people like the woman I trusted to be my caregiver from treating other people like she did me. I am a patient, not someone you can walk all over, I have a voice and I am using it. 

I do not know my grower's name to report him because my "caregiver" never sent me the information. I am waiting for OMMP to send me that information so I can finish my letter to them. What good is my letter going to do? Other patients need to speak up. We are people in need of safe GOOD medicine as is everyone else on this earth. Just because I choose a plant over chemicals I get treated like I don't matter. Well, here is the problem with that, I DO MATTER AND I KNOW I MATTER! And so do the other patients getting shitty medicine. OMMP WAKE UP AND REGULATE OUR CAREGIVERS! REGULATE OUR GROWERS! WE DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE to go back to morphine just so I am treated better.

I live in Portland, Oregon. I was going to this amazing collective before I got given this horrible "medicine". Sadly, they were raided, and go figure there have been no arrests. Why? Perhaps because they follow the laws. Every single time I have been there I am able to get safe medicine. QUALITY medicine I was able to afford. Now they have reopened and are now Human Collective II. Guess who is going back to the stony kushes, the crystally nugs, the affordable medicine where I am able to have privacy to discuss my symptoms with the pharmacist if I ask for it. That is right, this girl right here. I think I might not want a grower after this horrible experience. And a caregiver? Don't make me laugh. She never cared about me. 

Hash Oil/"Rick Simpson" Oil

Wow! I have been blessed with some hash oil. I have been hearing all about how wonderful this is, how it will help with the pain I have that makes me wish for death to come and take me away from all of this. I have been dealing with pain that makes me want to take a pill to make it better, but then I get to thinking about what will happen when I take that pill. And instead I suffer...

If I take that pill (Flexeril is what I have - all I have besides cannabis) I will possibly get a little relief. My muscles that feel like they are tightening so hard that they might burst - relax a little and I am able to stop clenching my teeth. Speaking of teeth - I think I have cracked them from clenching them from pain. But, I digress... That would be the good. The bad. The bad would be, anxiety because my body starts feeling odd and then my brain goes into overdrive and I am afraid I won't be able to control my behavior, so I try to fight the relaxation the pill is forcing my body to do. This sucks. So I get grumpy. I hate not being able to control my emotions and pills make it so I am a wreck. I sleep for too many hours in a row - which hurts my back. When I am able to wake up - I am still groggy from the drug and that puts me in a foul mood that is near impossible to snap out of. That mood has lasted for two days straight. The side affects have lasted two days straight, not just the sour mood. I am so lethargic it is a chore to get out of bed to take care of normal every day tasks, feed the dogs, dishes etc...

I smoke pot and the side affects are munchies and giggles. It eases my pain. It relieves my anxiety. And hell, if I have the giggles, I am not in a foul mood...

I just put a small amount of the hash oil on my right shoulder. In the spot that I wish would just fucking go away! It feels like my muscles have tightened into a softball and then it pulls on my neck muscles which pulls on my neck bones - that feel like they grind against each other - bone on bone hurts like a son of a mother fucker. It has maybe been 30 minutes. I am going to put some on my left side and I hope I am able to feel the relief I have already experienced on the right. I cannot wait to report how I feel after a few more days of this rubbed into my aching body :)

Two Years Morphine Free

The title alone says it all for me. Never thought I was going to be able to live one day without that poison going through my body. What a roller-coaster these two years have been!

I almost want to say it's like I've been re-born. But that is a bit silly to me. More along the lines I really appreciate life. I woke up early today frustrated I could not get back to sleep. I used to not get up. Hours - 24 if I could swing it were spent in bed. Either too fucked up to move, too tired to move, in too much pain to move (yes, you can still be in pain after downing 600 mg of morphine) or just not moving because my life was so depressing. There is one thing and one thing only that improved my life while taking that crap - Stella. I would never have gotten up if not for her. When I credit my dog for saving my life - it is no joke. She truly did. I would never have been motivated to work - had to keep her in day care, get her the best dog food I could find, make the toy box over flow. My dog is my life. I truly appreciate her even more now. We have been through so much together.

I still have much to improve about myself. It is tough seeing all these things I've done. I can't explain why I did some of what I did. But I am accepting what I have done and making things better for myself. Stepped on a few toes to get where I am - and it may not seem far to some, but to me - I've come a really long fucking way. I've lost family members because they can't talk to me about my past, they assume what they hear is true and judge me on it. I can't change that. I am also better off with these individuals not in my life - being unsupportive. Good luck to you, you're going to need it with the attitude you have :)

Cannabis. My pain killer of choice. My anti-depressant of choice. My anti-anxiety med of choice. My headache med of choice. My choice. I will continue to fight for full federal legalization of this plant. I have seen first-hand what this plant is capable of. A lot more positive than the government is leading you to believe. And I will never shut up about it. Even after I help legalize. Thank you cannabis for showing me a healthier way to ease my pain.

Big Changes

So much to say, it may make no sense, but I have to get this out of my head. I hope that writing what I am feeling will help me figure out how to deal with all the thoughts I have going through my head right now...

My grandmother. What an amazing individual she is! She grew up during the Great Depression, went to college, she double majored in English and I believe Spanish - regardless she double majored! - she raised my mom and uncle, had what I perceive as a loving marriage, was there when my grandfather died - and not once have I seen her cry. She helped me with homework when we lived close enough to her - not often!, she encouraged my love of writing, she was incredibly supportive even when I made poor decisions and she turned me down when I asked her for financial support for school. Why? Because she knew I was not ready for it and she was so right. What I am trying to say is I respect and love this woman so much. Tomorrow, my "real" birthday we are moving her to the assisted living side of the retirement home she lives at. It is so hard for me to see this incredible woman not be able to speak what she is thinking, not be able to things for herself and becoming increasingly frustrated about it and receiving help with daily activities. I have been informed she looks rather like a boxer that just came out of the ring with black eyes and a knot on her forehead from falling. I know this is the right move for her, it still hurts me seeing her frustrated. If I cry my family will give me shit about it. I accept I am an emotional person, but they can't. That doesn't make it any easier.

I am not working. Money is tight. This adds stress to an already fucked up situation. I am looking for work, have had interviews, and am even going the route I have been dreading - looking for work that will hurt me. Jobs that would hurt me would be retail - standing for hours on end. My body cannot take this and I end up bed ridden for days after. Desperate times. I have even gone against my heart and applied at big corporations that I have personally boycotted because of their support of dog abusers - Nike endorsing Michael Vick for example. My anxiety seems to increase daily from sitting here looking for work and getting nowhere. And because money is so tight I have tried to and successfully cut back on smoking pot. The problem with cutting back is my pain is worse, well no not worse per se but I feel it a lot more. And that in turn puts me in a foul mood.

There is a person in my life that needs help. They have been given this amazing wonderful gift of going to treatment to better their life and all I see is a person who is far from ready for this gift. So without giving away too many details I need to give a bit of back story. I was hesitant getting to know this person (still am) because of their need to stop using drugs and alcohol. This person offered me free weed. Knowing what I did I was very hesitant to accept this. I went against my better judgement and accepted it anyway. I told people I would regret it and guess what - I do. So anyway, this person (let me call them Person A) was arguing with another person (Person B) I care deeply for and threw my under the bus and told them I smoke pot. The person did not know I smoked pot but did know about my morphine use for my back pain. Out of respect I withhold the fact of my using cannabis over big pharma drugs because I understand some people do not agree with it. Respect. That is a big thing for me. Really big. I told Person A about my years of taking morphine and that was a drug I no longer wanted in my life so I chose cannabis over it because I am a weak person and I need help dealing with the unreal pain I have every single day. Apparently Person A is much sicker than I understand and does not remember things the way the truly happen. I emailed Person A and let them know I was far from pleased with them deflecting the negative attention from themselves to me. And now I am the bad guy. For telling them the truth. I may know in my heart that things did not transpire the way Person A is saying they did but to be told that I am a shitty person for protecting myself hurts. Deja vu all of a sudden! Wow. Weird. Ok so anyway, Person A is going to treatment. I am fully supportive of this, but I honestly do not expect them to stay the entire month. I really, really hope to be proven wrong. That is all I have for this person is hope.

I went to an Al Anon meeting last night, my first one. I cried pretty much the entire time. I kept hearing them say to take it easy, I was in the right place, and the program really works if I keep going back. I fully intend going back next Monday. And next Monday is my 2nd anniversary of being morphine-free. I need help learning how to deal and cope with people in my life that are alcoholics and drug addicts. I need tools so I can get these thoughts out and used in a productive way. I see from just one meeting so far that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I fully accept the challenge of being the best me I can be.

And damn, I do feel better now... And if I pissed you off - deal with it I have my own shit to deal with.

Controversy on Legalizing

Wow. A lot is going on in the cannabis community. A lot of fighting about what is right - at least that is how I see it. Fighting on what should be done in the legalization battle. Patient use and recreational use. I hope I can get my thoughts out in a clear manner...

Bottom line, my opinion is cannabis, weed, marijuana, and all that comes from the plant - hash, kief - everything should be 100% legal for everyone across the board, not just "legal" for a person to use medically. I believe if you are old enough to fight for this country and lose your life you should be able to choose if you want to use cannabis. Now, I also understand 18 is a rather young age, but this is a non-toxic plant. It is not something that you can become addicted to and potentially kill people after using it and getting behind the wheel. I would be happy with full legalization at the age of 21. But again - for everyone. And this DUI thing is complete bullshit. I have said this before and I will say it again and again until I am blue in the face - I DRIVE BETTER WHEN I CONSUME CANNABIS! I am calmer, I am not freaked out I am gonna get hit by another idiot, I can concentrate a lot better on my surroundings instead of worrying who is going to do what and cause a crash... I do not like driving at night and I am very careful when I do smoke and drive. I sometimes suffer in pain when I decide it is safer for me to not smoke. This is always horrible, the pain gets so intense it makes me hurt more and more for days. I have been hit by several idiots driving - the main one was the drunk driver that almost killed the 4 of us in my car. I am paranoid while in cars. I do NOT want to be trapped in another car and my mind starts racing and I get panic attacks when I cannot stop my mind from racing. People are so afraid of those who consume cannabis and get behind the wheel. They are worried about what will happen when weed is legal and how many more car accidents there will be. Open your fucking eyes people, people are smoking and driving now! Get over your fear and let us show you we will not cause more accidents. I bet you will see a decrease in drunk driving accidents - yeah, you read that right - decrease.

I think what I heard today about keeping the weed out of reach like you are supposed to with booze is a rather good idea. I think marijuana should be legalized fully for everyone and taxed like alcohol. The benefits would be surprising to a lot and even more of us already know the wonderful outcome that awaits us as the rest of the country wakes up. I hope that all the fighting going on can be put to the side and everyone can band together and fight for what we say we have been fighting for - legalization. Not just for medical use. As Russ of NORML said - If you only fight for medical legalization, you will only get medical legalization. We need to all band together and fight for full FEDERAL legalization, as I have been saying from the get go. It is the only way. It will protect everyone, not just a select few.