Being on morphine for so long I became numb - to everything. I never realized how numb until I stopped taking it and started smoking marijuana as my medication.
While taking the morphine I was able to do more physically like I had before the car accident. It numbed my nerves enough that I was able to go to the gym again, go hiking, camping, snowboarding, all the stuff I wanted to do and had done previous to the accident. But the side affects were horrendous. I could not stay awake. Driving was out of the question most days. I could not get up in the morning so holding down a job was near impossible. Getting out of bed was such a huge ordeal for me. I would crawl back in pissed off and grumpy saying, "Fuck the world!" neglecting any and all responsibilities I had for days on end. I was always sick to my stomach - unable to eat or keep anything down. I was on edge, if someone looked at me sideways I would unleash my anger on them and that was never pretty. I was so emotional. Thinking about how my life was previous depressed me to no end. Crying was a common thing and it got old pretty quickly. The happy person I used to be seemed like a dream. Needless to say I did some things I am not proud of and keeping a healthy relationship going was not in the cards for me while taking morphine. My head was all screwed up. My body was all screwed up. I will not go into the side affects that are erhm - personal, but trust me there are quite a few. When I say I was numb, I mean even to the touch. I was a complete mess. And when the morphine stopped working the doctors would up the dose, making all of these issues amplified. Morphine was literally poisoning my body. I had to get blood work done each month to see how my liver and other organs were functioning. A few times I had seizures, I had no idea what was going on but knew something was not right. Oh by the way, the doctors did not believe me about the seizures. That was fun. My existence was miserable.
I wish I had questioned the doctors, but I have learned so much from this experience. Marijuana is an amazing plant and I will say this til the day I die. It helps me with my pain, my anxiety, my nausea, my not being able to sleep, and yes even my depression. I do not have the same depression issues I did while I was taking the morphine. I believe most of the depression was morphine induced. I have learned to listen to my pain - it tells me when to stop. And since stopping the morphine and switching to the non-toxic marijuana, I am able to wake up in the mornings in a decent mood - usually before my alarm goes off. That was an unthinkable act for me for 12+ years! I now have a healthy appetite and am able to keep my food down which is much more enjoyable. I may not be able to go to the gym anymore or go snowboarding, but walking my dog and lap swimming are helping keep me healthy. I am motivated to do things again and that feeling is so amazing. I want to get out of bed. I have my passion for life back. When someone touches me now I can feel it, I long for it. I used to jerk away from hugs and now I want more. Yeah, maybe I am that creepy hugger now :) You know, the one that doesn't let go when they should... Ok, but really. My head feels clear and normal (as normal as it can feel I suppose :)) and waiting for the weather to clear up is driving me crazy. I cannot wait for spring and summer so I can go hiking again! I want to do these things and desire to again.
The side affects of marijuana - giggles, munchies and epic weed naps. I will take these any day over the hell I have lived. All I can do is get my side of the story out there and hopefully educate people who are in a similar situation that there are alternatives out there to what the doctors are prescribing.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
March 5th - Why I am A Marijuana Advocate
A year ago today was the scariest, best and worst day of my life so far. On March 4th 2010 I took my last prescribed dose of morphine. My last 300 mg dose - imagine 2 of those a day. March 5th 2010 was a long day for me...
In October of 1998 I was injured in a bad car accident. The pain made me seek medical attention and I was soon put on narcotics. It started out with Vicodin and other narcotics but soon progressed to morphine. I believed the doctors knew what was best for me so I did not question their decision to have me take these drugs; I mean they are doctors... Soon my body became addicted, I say my body because I would forget to take a dose on time and already would start the fun process of withdrawals just minutes after missing my dose. I would go through those often because I would forget to take the pills. There were times I had run out of morphine and ended up in the ER. I was treated as if I were the scum of the earth because of the medications I was taking and seeking treatment for my pain in the ER. I asked my doctors several times to see if there was anything at all that I could do or take that was not morphine. They switched my medications up a few times between fentanyl patches, methadone and the morphine - MS Contin. None of these were much "fun" to take or be on. The patches would fall off and again I would go through withdrawals. Now I have not done much research on the side effects of the narcotics the doctors prescribed me but I can tell you what they did to me. I had problems sleeping - so I was prescribed a sleep aid, I had issues with nausea - so I was prescribed an anti-nausea pill, I was having problems staying awake - so I drank a ton of coffee, I was not the happy person I used to be - they tried to give me anti-depressants but I hated how they made me feel too, so I was just a bitch.
I had to always make sure if I wanted to go out of town I had enough morphine with me so I would not get sick. The pain was never really 100% under control and my body adjusted to the narcotics very quickly and so they ended up not working and the doctors would up the dose. In the end I was taking 600 mg of MS Contin every day. That does not include the liquid morphine for "breakthrough pain" or the other narcotics for muscle relaxers and other various issues stated earlier.
For various reasons I will not get into I stopped taking morphine a year ago. Honestly, I am not sure what is worse - the morphine or the withdrawals. It was ugly. I was in more pain during the weeks I was going through withdrawals than I was after the car accident. If I did not have my dogs keeping me company, not leaving my side while I was in bed for over a week, I might very well have lost my mind. Max would snuggle me and Stella would keep guard at my feet - on the bed of course. I still am having side effects from no longer taking morphine - a YEAR later. There was a song that helped me feel like I could get through the hell I had put myself in - No Cocaine by Slightly Stoopid. I had been listening to and watching NORML web casts every day for a month or two prior to this and heard that song there. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfKexB7qKrs)
I can't recall how old I was the 1st time I smoked pot, maybe 17 - 18. I remember growing up and being told how horrible marijuana was for you and how it could kill you. Yes, this is what I was taught. I smoked pot off and on from then on. Now I smoke it every day. Yes, I am PROUD to be a stoner. I have since learned marijuana will not kill you and it actually has medicinal powers – non-addictive ones that can help with pain - and do help me with mine. And I have also learned that the side effects of marijuana are MUCH more enjoyable than the ones of narcotics... I would much rather have the munchies and giggles instead of feeling like I might puke at a moment’s notice or like I wanted to kill someone for looking at me wrong.
Not only do I no longer take morphine but I no longer take any of the other medications prescribed to me to help me sleep and not feel sick all the time. Marijuana helps me with all of those issues. I can sleep at night now, I can eat without feeling like I am going to throw it up soon after, my pain is fairly well managed and my happy attitude is back. Interesting how my pain level is about the same as when I was taking morphine to now by just smoking marijuana. Looking back on my 12+ years of life addicted to morphine scares the shit out of me. How I made it I will never know. I have since learned so much about the amazing things marijuana can help with - PTSD, epilepsy, and so much more. Marijuana may not be what is right for you, but it IS right for me. Marijuana is a miracle that has brought me my life back and I will fight for legalization - FEDERAL legalization. I will NOT sit quietly and smoke my bowls - I will let you know I am smoking and damn proud to be. I will not hide that I am a pot smoker, why should I hide a beautiful thing? I will tell you what I have learned about marijuana so that you know some truth. If you don't want to hear about pot, you do not want to talk to me. You will see me out there collecting signatures for Sensible Washington again this year. And every year until it is legalized... Question your doctors - ALWAYS, educate yourself, and really - don't believe everything that you have been taught. I want to educate people on the plant and share my story.
This is just my side of the story. For more TRUTH about the amazing plant marijuana please visit:
www.norml.org
Not that these people will ever read this but I must say thank you to NORML, "Radical" Russ of NORML and everyone who works with him for the weekday 1 pm shows (Pacific time) I would watch on Stickam. You helped me more than I can say. Thank you to THCF for helping me be a legal, card carrying, educated, and obviously a damn proud medical marijuana patient.
In October of 1998 I was injured in a bad car accident. The pain made me seek medical attention and I was soon put on narcotics. It started out with Vicodin and other narcotics but soon progressed to morphine. I believed the doctors knew what was best for me so I did not question their decision to have me take these drugs; I mean they are doctors... Soon my body became addicted, I say my body because I would forget to take a dose on time and already would start the fun process of withdrawals just minutes after missing my dose. I would go through those often because I would forget to take the pills. There were times I had run out of morphine and ended up in the ER. I was treated as if I were the scum of the earth because of the medications I was taking and seeking treatment for my pain in the ER. I asked my doctors several times to see if there was anything at all that I could do or take that was not morphine. They switched my medications up a few times between fentanyl patches, methadone and the morphine - MS Contin. None of these were much "fun" to take or be on. The patches would fall off and again I would go through withdrawals. Now I have not done much research on the side effects of the narcotics the doctors prescribed me but I can tell you what they did to me. I had problems sleeping - so I was prescribed a sleep aid, I had issues with nausea - so I was prescribed an anti-nausea pill, I was having problems staying awake - so I drank a ton of coffee, I was not the happy person I used to be - they tried to give me anti-depressants but I hated how they made me feel too, so I was just a bitch.
I had to always make sure if I wanted to go out of town I had enough morphine with me so I would not get sick. The pain was never really 100% under control and my body adjusted to the narcotics very quickly and so they ended up not working and the doctors would up the dose. In the end I was taking 600 mg of MS Contin every day. That does not include the liquid morphine for "breakthrough pain" or the other narcotics for muscle relaxers and other various issues stated earlier.
For various reasons I will not get into I stopped taking morphine a year ago. Honestly, I am not sure what is worse - the morphine or the withdrawals. It was ugly. I was in more pain during the weeks I was going through withdrawals than I was after the car accident. If I did not have my dogs keeping me company, not leaving my side while I was in bed for over a week, I might very well have lost my mind. Max would snuggle me and Stella would keep guard at my feet - on the bed of course. I still am having side effects from no longer taking morphine - a YEAR later. There was a song that helped me feel like I could get through the hell I had put myself in - No Cocaine by Slightly Stoopid. I had been listening to and watching NORML web casts every day for a month or two prior to this and heard that song there. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfKexB7qKrs)
I can't recall how old I was the 1st time I smoked pot, maybe 17 - 18. I remember growing up and being told how horrible marijuana was for you and how it could kill you. Yes, this is what I was taught. I smoked pot off and on from then on. Now I smoke it every day. Yes, I am PROUD to be a stoner. I have since learned marijuana will not kill you and it actually has medicinal powers – non-addictive ones that can help with pain - and do help me with mine. And I have also learned that the side effects of marijuana are MUCH more enjoyable than the ones of narcotics... I would much rather have the munchies and giggles instead of feeling like I might puke at a moment’s notice or like I wanted to kill someone for looking at me wrong.
Not only do I no longer take morphine but I no longer take any of the other medications prescribed to me to help me sleep and not feel sick all the time. Marijuana helps me with all of those issues. I can sleep at night now, I can eat without feeling like I am going to throw it up soon after, my pain is fairly well managed and my happy attitude is back. Interesting how my pain level is about the same as when I was taking morphine to now by just smoking marijuana. Looking back on my 12+ years of life addicted to morphine scares the shit out of me. How I made it I will never know. I have since learned so much about the amazing things marijuana can help with - PTSD, epilepsy, and so much more. Marijuana may not be what is right for you, but it IS right for me. Marijuana is a miracle that has brought me my life back and I will fight for legalization - FEDERAL legalization. I will NOT sit quietly and smoke my bowls - I will let you know I am smoking and damn proud to be. I will not hide that I am a pot smoker, why should I hide a beautiful thing? I will tell you what I have learned about marijuana so that you know some truth. If you don't want to hear about pot, you do not want to talk to me. You will see me out there collecting signatures for Sensible Washington again this year. And every year until it is legalized... Question your doctors - ALWAYS, educate yourself, and really - don't believe everything that you have been taught. I want to educate people on the plant and share my story.
This is just my side of the story. For more TRUTH about the amazing plant marijuana please visit:
www.norml.org
Not that these people will ever read this but I must say thank you to NORML, "Radical" Russ of NORML and everyone who works with him for the weekday 1 pm shows (Pacific time) I would watch on Stickam. You helped me more than I can say. Thank you to THCF for helping me be a legal, card carrying, educated, and obviously a damn proud medical marijuana patient.
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