So much to say, it may make no sense, but I have to get this out of my head. I hope that writing what I am feeling will help me figure out how to deal with all the thoughts I have going through my head right now...
My grandmother. What an amazing individual she is! She grew up during the Great Depression, went to college, she double majored in English and I believe Spanish - regardless she double majored! - she raised my mom and uncle, had what I perceive as a loving marriage, was there when my grandfather died - and not once have I seen her cry. She helped me with homework when we lived close enough to her - not often!, she encouraged my love of writing, she was incredibly supportive even when I made poor decisions and she turned me down when I asked her for financial support for school. Why? Because she knew I was not ready for it and she was so right. What I am trying to say is I respect and love this woman so much. Tomorrow, my "real" birthday we are moving her to the assisted living side of the retirement home she lives at. It is so hard for me to see this incredible woman not be able to speak what she is thinking, not be able to things for herself and becoming increasingly frustrated about it and receiving help with daily activities. I have been informed she looks rather like a boxer that just came out of the ring with black eyes and a knot on her forehead from falling. I know this is the right move for her, it still hurts me seeing her frustrated. If I cry my family will give me shit about it. I accept I am an emotional person, but they can't. That doesn't make it any easier.
I am not working. Money is tight. This adds stress to an already fucked up situation. I am looking for work, have had interviews, and am even going the route I have been dreading - looking for work that will hurt me. Jobs that would hurt me would be retail - standing for hours on end. My body cannot take this and I end up bed ridden for days after. Desperate times. I have even gone against my heart and applied at big corporations that I have personally boycotted because of their support of dog abusers - Nike endorsing Michael Vick for example. My anxiety seems to increase daily from sitting here looking for work and getting nowhere. And because money is so tight I have tried to and successfully cut back on smoking pot. The problem with cutting back is my pain is worse, well no not worse per se but I feel it a lot more. And that in turn puts me in a foul mood.
There is a person in my life that needs help. They have been given this amazing wonderful gift of going to treatment to better their life and all I see is a person who is far from ready for this gift. So without giving away too many details I need to give a bit of back story. I was hesitant getting to know this person (still am) because of their need to stop using drugs and alcohol. This person offered me free weed. Knowing what I did I was very hesitant to accept this. I went against my better judgement and accepted it anyway. I told people I would regret it and guess what - I do. So anyway, this person (let me call them Person A) was arguing with another person (Person B) I care deeply for and threw my under the bus and told them I smoke pot. The person did not know I smoked pot but did know about my morphine use for my back pain. Out of respect I withhold the fact of my using cannabis over big pharma drugs because I understand some people do not agree with it. Respect. That is a big thing for me. Really big. I told Person A about my years of taking morphine and that was a drug I no longer wanted in my life so I chose cannabis over it because I am a weak person and I need help dealing with the unreal pain I have every single day. Apparently Person A is much sicker than I understand and does not remember things the way the truly happen. I emailed Person A and let them know I was far from pleased with them deflecting the negative attention from themselves to me. And now I am the bad guy. For telling them the truth. I may know in my heart that things did not transpire the way Person A is saying they did but to be told that I am a shitty person for protecting myself hurts. Deja vu all of a sudden! Wow. Weird. Ok so anyway, Person A is going to treatment. I am fully supportive of this, but I honestly do not expect them to stay the entire month. I really, really hope to be proven wrong. That is all I have for this person is hope.
I went to an Al Anon meeting last night, my first one. I cried pretty much the entire time. I kept hearing them say to take it easy, I was in the right place, and the program really works if I keep going back. I fully intend going back next Monday. And next Monday is my 2nd anniversary of being morphine-free. I need help learning how to deal and cope with people in my life that are alcoholics and drug addicts. I need tools so I can get these thoughts out and used in a productive way. I see from just one meeting so far that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I fully accept the challenge of being the best me I can be.
And damn, I do feel better now... And if I pissed you off - deal with it I have my own shit to deal with.
