So much to say, it may make no sense, but I have to get this out of my head. I hope that writing what I am feeling will help me figure out how to deal with all the thoughts I have going through my head right now...
My grandmother. What an amazing individual she is! She grew up during the Great Depression, went to college, she double majored in English and I believe Spanish - regardless she double majored! - she raised my mom and uncle, had what I perceive as a loving marriage, was there when my grandfather died - and not once have I seen her cry. She helped me with homework when we lived close enough to her - not often!, she encouraged my love of writing, she was incredibly supportive even when I made poor decisions and she turned me down when I asked her for financial support for school. Why? Because she knew I was not ready for it and she was so right. What I am trying to say is I respect and love this woman so much. Tomorrow, my "real" birthday we are moving her to the assisted living side of the retirement home she lives at. It is so hard for me to see this incredible woman not be able to speak what she is thinking, not be able to things for herself and becoming increasingly frustrated about it and receiving help with daily activities. I have been informed she looks rather like a boxer that just came out of the ring with black eyes and a knot on her forehead from falling. I know this is the right move for her, it still hurts me seeing her frustrated. If I cry my family will give me shit about it. I accept I am an emotional person, but they can't. That doesn't make it any easier.
I am not working. Money is tight. This adds stress to an already fucked up situation. I am looking for work, have had interviews, and am even going the route I have been dreading - looking for work that will hurt me. Jobs that would hurt me would be retail - standing for hours on end. My body cannot take this and I end up bed ridden for days after. Desperate times. I have even gone against my heart and applied at big corporations that I have personally boycotted because of their support of dog abusers - Nike endorsing Michael Vick for example. My anxiety seems to increase daily from sitting here looking for work and getting nowhere. And because money is so tight I have tried to and successfully cut back on smoking pot. The problem with cutting back is my pain is worse, well no not worse per se but I feel it a lot more. And that in turn puts me in a foul mood.
There is a person in my life that needs help. They have been given this amazing wonderful gift of going to treatment to better their life and all I see is a person who is far from ready for this gift. So without giving away too many details I need to give a bit of back story. I was hesitant getting to know this person (still am) because of their need to stop using drugs and alcohol. This person offered me free weed. Knowing what I did I was very hesitant to accept this. I went against my better judgement and accepted it anyway. I told people I would regret it and guess what - I do. So anyway, this person (let me call them Person A) was arguing with another person (Person B) I care deeply for and threw my under the bus and told them I smoke pot. The person did not know I smoked pot but did know about my morphine use for my back pain. Out of respect I withhold the fact of my using cannabis over big pharma drugs because I understand some people do not agree with it. Respect. That is a big thing for me. Really big. I told Person A about my years of taking morphine and that was a drug I no longer wanted in my life so I chose cannabis over it because I am a weak person and I need help dealing with the unreal pain I have every single day. Apparently Person A is much sicker than I understand and does not remember things the way the truly happen. I emailed Person A and let them know I was far from pleased with them deflecting the negative attention from themselves to me. And now I am the bad guy. For telling them the truth. I may know in my heart that things did not transpire the way Person A is saying they did but to be told that I am a shitty person for protecting myself hurts. Deja vu all of a sudden! Wow. Weird. Ok so anyway, Person A is going to treatment. I am fully supportive of this, but I honestly do not expect them to stay the entire month. I really, really hope to be proven wrong. That is all I have for this person is hope.
I went to an Al Anon meeting last night, my first one. I cried pretty much the entire time. I kept hearing them say to take it easy, I was in the right place, and the program really works if I keep going back. I fully intend going back next Monday. And next Monday is my 2nd anniversary of being morphine-free. I need help learning how to deal and cope with people in my life that are alcoholics and drug addicts. I need tools so I can get these thoughts out and used in a productive way. I see from just one meeting so far that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I fully accept the challenge of being the best me I can be.
And damn, I do feel better now... And if I pissed you off - deal with it I have my own shit to deal with.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Controversy on Legalizing
Wow. A lot is going on in the cannabis community. A lot of fighting about what is right - at least that is how I see it. Fighting on what should be done in the legalization battle. Patient use and recreational use. I hope I can get my thoughts out in a clear manner...
Bottom line, my opinion is cannabis, weed, marijuana, and all that comes from the plant - hash, kief - everything should be 100% legal for everyone across the board, not just "legal" for a person to use medically. I believe if you are old enough to fight for this country and lose your life you should be able to choose if you want to use cannabis. Now, I also understand 18 is a rather young age, but this is a non-toxic plant. It is not something that you can become addicted to and potentially kill people after using it and getting behind the wheel. I would be happy with full legalization at the age of 21. But again - for everyone. And this DUI thing is complete bullshit. I have said this before and I will say it again and again until I am blue in the face - I DRIVE BETTER WHEN I CONSUME CANNABIS! I am calmer, I am not freaked out I am gonna get hit by another idiot, I can concentrate a lot better on my surroundings instead of worrying who is going to do what and cause a crash... I do not like driving at night and I am very careful when I do smoke and drive. I sometimes suffer in pain when I decide it is safer for me to not smoke. This is always horrible, the pain gets so intense it makes me hurt more and more for days. I have been hit by several idiots driving - the main one was the drunk driver that almost killed the 4 of us in my car. I am paranoid while in cars. I do NOT want to be trapped in another car and my mind starts racing and I get panic attacks when I cannot stop my mind from racing. People are so afraid of those who consume cannabis and get behind the wheel. They are worried about what will happen when weed is legal and how many more car accidents there will be. Open your fucking eyes people, people are smoking and driving now! Get over your fear and let us show you we will not cause more accidents. I bet you will see a decrease in drunk driving accidents - yeah, you read that right - decrease.
I think what I heard today about keeping the weed out of reach like you are supposed to with booze is a rather good idea. I think marijuana should be legalized fully for everyone and taxed like alcohol. The benefits would be surprising to a lot and even more of us already know the wonderful outcome that awaits us as the rest of the country wakes up. I hope that all the fighting going on can be put to the side and everyone can band together and fight for what we say we have been fighting for - legalization. Not just for medical use. As Russ of NORML said - If you only fight for medical legalization, you will only get medical legalization. We need to all band together and fight for full FEDERAL legalization, as I have been saying from the get go. It is the only way. It will protect everyone, not just a select few.
Bottom line, my opinion is cannabis, weed, marijuana, and all that comes from the plant - hash, kief - everything should be 100% legal for everyone across the board, not just "legal" for a person to use medically. I believe if you are old enough to fight for this country and lose your life you should be able to choose if you want to use cannabis. Now, I also understand 18 is a rather young age, but this is a non-toxic plant. It is not something that you can become addicted to and potentially kill people after using it and getting behind the wheel. I would be happy with full legalization at the age of 21. But again - for everyone. And this DUI thing is complete bullshit. I have said this before and I will say it again and again until I am blue in the face - I DRIVE BETTER WHEN I CONSUME CANNABIS! I am calmer, I am not freaked out I am gonna get hit by another idiot, I can concentrate a lot better on my surroundings instead of worrying who is going to do what and cause a crash... I do not like driving at night and I am very careful when I do smoke and drive. I sometimes suffer in pain when I decide it is safer for me to not smoke. This is always horrible, the pain gets so intense it makes me hurt more and more for days. I have been hit by several idiots driving - the main one was the drunk driver that almost killed the 4 of us in my car. I am paranoid while in cars. I do NOT want to be trapped in another car and my mind starts racing and I get panic attacks when I cannot stop my mind from racing. People are so afraid of those who consume cannabis and get behind the wheel. They are worried about what will happen when weed is legal and how many more car accidents there will be. Open your fucking eyes people, people are smoking and driving now! Get over your fear and let us show you we will not cause more accidents. I bet you will see a decrease in drunk driving accidents - yeah, you read that right - decrease.
I think what I heard today about keeping the weed out of reach like you are supposed to with booze is a rather good idea. I think marijuana should be legalized fully for everyone and taxed like alcohol. The benefits would be surprising to a lot and even more of us already know the wonderful outcome that awaits us as the rest of the country wakes up. I hope that all the fighting going on can be put to the side and everyone can band together and fight for what we say we have been fighting for - legalization. Not just for medical use. As Russ of NORML said - If you only fight for medical legalization, you will only get medical legalization. We need to all band together and fight for full FEDERAL legalization, as I have been saying from the get go. It is the only way. It will protect everyone, not just a select few.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Marijuana and My Rights
So, I posted on my Facebook page a link about OMMP being able to keep our rights to bear arms. Here is the link:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/05/19/national/main20064366.shtml
I wasn't expecting any comments, but always welcome them. Even from my friends who think marijuana should stay illegal. I am hopeful that someday I will be able to open their eyes to the benefits of this plant, but will not hold my breath. Here is the comment from my friend:
This is ridiculous. I have a concealed carry permit. I can't operate a car stoned on weed because it impairs my ability , but I can carry a concealed handgun while stoned when my Judgement is impaired. One mistake from a pothead shooting someone will give all the gun control nuts the ammo they need to take my gun rights away. If people wanna get stoned in their own home, fine, but don't let them put my life in jeopardy. That's Oregon for you, socialist gay loving liberals. I am ashamed to work there. Ugh.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/05/19/national/main20064366.shtml
I wasn't expecting any comments, but always welcome them. Even from my friends who think marijuana should stay illegal. I am hopeful that someday I will be able to open their eyes to the benefits of this plant, but will not hold my breath. Here is the comment from my friend:
This is ridiculous. I have a concealed carry permit. I can't operate a car stoned on weed because it impairs my ability , but I can carry a concealed handgun while stoned when my Judgement is impaired. One mistake from a pothead shooting someone will give all the gun control nuts the ammo they need to take my gun rights away. If people wanna get stoned in their own home, fine, but don't let them put my life in jeopardy. That's Oregon for you, socialist gay loving liberals. I am ashamed to work there. Ugh.
Now, keep in mind I no longer own a gun. But, I am an OMMP. I am also a pro-gun OMMP. I have even blogged about this issue before. But, I feel it needs more attention. So, here we go. This should be fun :)
First, let's touch on our rights here. Everyone who is a U.S. citizen has the right to bear arms, unless you screw up, like kill someone, rob a liquor store, commit a felony. You get the idea. Now, I believe this is fair.
Second, let's touch on the driving part of the comment. I am in the daily pain I am in because of a drunk driver. We all know drinking and driving do not mix. Marijuana and driving? Let me say something, marijuana helps me on the road. I am paranoid behind the wheel without cannabis in my system to calm me down. I think any person might hit me, a cop will pull me over for looking paranoid, my car will die and I will be stranded, seriously the list goes on and on. I know this will piss people off that I am openly admitting to smoking and driving, but oh well, this needs to happen. I am not the only person who does this. There are ongoing tests about driving under the influence of cannabis and also DUI from THC. People are being arrested for DUI in Washington State when SOBER!!! because the law says the amount of THC in their bloodstream must mean they are high. This is unfair. I will save this for another time. I know a patient in Washington State that has proven she needs marijuana to be able to safely operate her vehicle. Here is a link about driving while stoned:
Third, let's touch on impaired judgement. We all make choices. Some are good and some well, not so good. Now, when I smoke pot I can tell you my judgement is not impaired. I promise you my decisions would be the same if I was not smoking pot. Except for the fact that sober, I snap a lot quicker and think later. In my experience, this does not always work out for the best for me. Stoned, I am able to think about the situation and process it and make my decision. Now, let's compare my judgement sober vs stoned on cannabis vs stoned on morphine. This is where it gets fun for me. I have told about my past being not so good while on the legally prescribed morphine. I was not a good person. Here is a prime example of my shitty judgement while on morphine - I went to a store to get food and got caught shoplifting. That was scary, but did it stop me? No. Sadly it did not. Sober, I would not have stolen anything, stoned on pot I would not have done that either. I cannot even explain why I did it, I just did. I did a lot of things I cannot explain why I did them. I am ashamed and very much remorseful for my actions. Since I have stopped taking morphine - sober or stoned on pot - I have stolen nothing, I can explain my actions, I am honest. I am a better person now.
Fourth, let's touch on the one person that screws it up for everyone. No matter what this will always happen. No matter the issue, this will always happen.
Now, let me go where this has all been heading. While I can appreciate my friend's concern, I find the entire statement close-minded and not educated on the facts. I will not even touch the statement about gays because it offends me beyond words at this point. I will take that up with them later. This friend of mine I went to school with for a little bit. We got stupid drunk well under the age of 21 together. More than once. I won't even mention the driving - ooops. Now, I have not seen this person since we went to school together and partied under age doing illegal things. I realize we grow up and go down different paths. I accept and appreciate all the people I choose to have in my life. So the truth is this - marijuana is safer than you have been told. Period. I would not trust myself with a gun while on morphine. I have the right to protect my home. I have the right to hunt for my meal (just as I you do - I have seen the pictures). But because I smoke pot, my rights should be revoked!? Oh, hell no. I have not committed any felonies to have my rights revoked. I realize I did not write anything while I was taking morphine, but if you could ask some people who knew me (if they don't run away after you mention my name) I can guarantee you they would tell you I was a fucking idiot. My judgement was lacking. I made bad choices. I hope that if you ask someone who knows me now, they would tell you my choices have vastly improved. And, I smoke pot - every single day. Because I smoke pot - my rights should remain as they were. Not be taken away. I think maybe some sober versus stoned target shooting needs to take place. Maybe I can prove it visually if my words don't do it. Come drive with me sober and then come drive with me stoned. You tell me which you would want on the road with you. I already know which one I would prefer. I am not the exception. But, I would be more than happy to be the example.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Help is At Your Doctor's Fingertips
But they are not paid to tell you marijuana is safer than what they are giving you for what you are seeing them for. Ok, not always, but seriously weed helps with SO much your doctor is not telling you. I have been thinking about my last doctor visit and was happy and now am not so much. Here is why -
I went to my dr with the medical records I had. Not much but it was proof I was taking high doses of morphine for pain and a list of other meds to treat what the morphine was doing to me. It was proof I had tried the drugs, you do not get to 600mg of daily morphine over night, I had been on it for about a decade. I went in to get help treating my back pain. I asked about marijuana and he told me if I tried this drug and that drug and exhausted all options he would THEN consider marijuana. I am already a medical marijuana patient and yes, I kept this from him so I could get his opinion without bias toward my being a complete fucking pothead. I was happy about that answer then. And now, not so much. It seemed to appease me because he was open to prescribing marijuana to me. Now looking back, I see I should not have been so ok about it. I had proof - he even said I did - that the "regular" drugs were not working for me. After a few years the drugs become ineffective and they up the doses. Like that is going to do much else than further your addiction to the drug. It is a band aid. Not a fix.
I am extremely frustrated because a friend of mine has a loved one who could benefit from medical marijuana. But with this bullshit "Drug War" our government has brainwashed this nation into believing marijuana is this horrible drug that will do things to you that you cannot come back from. By the way, that is acid, not weed. Show me ONE person who has overdosed on cannabis. I can show you how it helps my pain, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety, my depression, and my over all quality of life. I bet I will be able to do that before you can show me an overdosed cannabis user.
Well, with our government lying to us and our media, I will take responsibility for telling the truth. Marijuana is a safe effective medicine and it will not cause you to sleep for 20 hours a day. Morphine made me sleep. A. LOT. I can recall one time I slept for 36 hours. How is something i do not understand, but it happened. I have said this all before, but it must be said again and again until EVERYONE knows it is safer than alcohol, it will not poison you, it is a safer alternative to SO many medications and the side affects are pleasant. Wanting to kill someone for looking in my general direction is not a good side affect. Wanting to stay in my apartment because I had no energy to get out of bed is not a good side affect. Smoking pot, I can still move my arms and legs and get up if I need to. Cannot say that about when I was on the morphine. Take control of your doctors appointments and ask questions. Seek the truth in treatment for you. You will know what is right for you.
I may still be in pain, but at least I am smiling. I am not wanting to kill myself to stop suffering the daily pain. I have eliminated more drugs than I can recall by using cannabis instead of Pfizer products. And I don't know if it was all Pfizer, but I know at least 3 drugs I took were. I also know my doctor was promised a golf trip if he prescribed a certain drug. I was leaving my appointment and heard most of that conversation. Pfizer and other big pharmaceutical companies don't want marijuana on the market - and neither does Budweiser or Coors and other alcohol distributors. Why? Because they won't make as much money. I will tell the truth, I will tell you marijuana should not only be legal for medical purposes, it should for recreational ones as well. Regulate it like alcohol and this country's debt will be lower, the country will be working, and here is the best part - this country will be happy.
I went to my dr with the medical records I had. Not much but it was proof I was taking high doses of morphine for pain and a list of other meds to treat what the morphine was doing to me. It was proof I had tried the drugs, you do not get to 600mg of daily morphine over night, I had been on it for about a decade. I went in to get help treating my back pain. I asked about marijuana and he told me if I tried this drug and that drug and exhausted all options he would THEN consider marijuana. I am already a medical marijuana patient and yes, I kept this from him so I could get his opinion without bias toward my being a complete fucking pothead. I was happy about that answer then. And now, not so much. It seemed to appease me because he was open to prescribing marijuana to me. Now looking back, I see I should not have been so ok about it. I had proof - he even said I did - that the "regular" drugs were not working for me. After a few years the drugs become ineffective and they up the doses. Like that is going to do much else than further your addiction to the drug. It is a band aid. Not a fix.
I am extremely frustrated because a friend of mine has a loved one who could benefit from medical marijuana. But with this bullshit "Drug War" our government has brainwashed this nation into believing marijuana is this horrible drug that will do things to you that you cannot come back from. By the way, that is acid, not weed. Show me ONE person who has overdosed on cannabis. I can show you how it helps my pain, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety, my depression, and my over all quality of life. I bet I will be able to do that before you can show me an overdosed cannabis user.
Well, with our government lying to us and our media, I will take responsibility for telling the truth. Marijuana is a safe effective medicine and it will not cause you to sleep for 20 hours a day. Morphine made me sleep. A. LOT. I can recall one time I slept for 36 hours. How is something i do not understand, but it happened. I have said this all before, but it must be said again and again until EVERYONE knows it is safer than alcohol, it will not poison you, it is a safer alternative to SO many medications and the side affects are pleasant. Wanting to kill someone for looking in my general direction is not a good side affect. Wanting to stay in my apartment because I had no energy to get out of bed is not a good side affect. Smoking pot, I can still move my arms and legs and get up if I need to. Cannot say that about when I was on the morphine. Take control of your doctors appointments and ask questions. Seek the truth in treatment for you. You will know what is right for you.
I may still be in pain, but at least I am smiling. I am not wanting to kill myself to stop suffering the daily pain. I have eliminated more drugs than I can recall by using cannabis instead of Pfizer products. And I don't know if it was all Pfizer, but I know at least 3 drugs I took were. I also know my doctor was promised a golf trip if he prescribed a certain drug. I was leaving my appointment and heard most of that conversation. Pfizer and other big pharmaceutical companies don't want marijuana on the market - and neither does Budweiser or Coors and other alcohol distributors. Why? Because they won't make as much money. I will tell the truth, I will tell you marijuana should not only be legal for medical purposes, it should for recreational ones as well. Regulate it like alcohol and this country's debt will be lower, the country will be working, and here is the best part - this country will be happy.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Pain
Pain is something you cannot see and we all deal with it differently. I am in an unreal amount of pain right now. I have not smoked any pot to ease it yet and am really wanting to so I can think straight. But I am going to write this while I am in pain in hopes that people see the anxiety pain can cause.
Right now my muscles ache desperately. I can feel my bones scraping against one another and that pain is much different from the muscle pain. Then my neck pain. At least I am able to turn my head today. Some days turning my head makes me wish for death. Not that bad in the pain department today - just so fucking uncomfortable that I am a complete bitch. I am taking my frustration out on someone (you know who you are) and that is not fair (even if I do have valid reason to be upset.). My pain intensifies my foul mood. I have not even mentioned the shooting pain in my legs from my sciatic nerve being pinched. I tried to rub my neck and feel sharp pain shoot down my right arm and makes my fingers make a fist (my right hand - pinky, ring finger and middle fingers) when I put pressure on a disc I can feel protruding from my spine. It feels like my neck needs to pop but it won't. I can't get part of my back to pop on my own so that hurts like hell too. Asking My Ex to pop my back is tiring - for BOTH of us.
I am trying to avoid taking Flexeril because I have things to do tomorrow. So, I am going to toke me some Obama because it won't make me sleep for 18 - 20 hours like the muscle relaxer. I do not think I should have to explain what I deal with on a daily basis but apparently I do. Maybe I can eat after I smoke too, because my stomach is pretty jacked up today from stress. Amazing that smoking pot will help me relax so my muscles do not ache as bad, help me deal with the pain instead of focus on it, improve my mood immensely and help ease my jacked up stomach so I can eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~
One toke later - I can feel my body relaxing a little bit. I can also feel that my jaw un-clenched. My mind has actually cleared of some of the bullshit running through it.
Two tokes - and I am starting to feel human. Pain is still here and pretty damn intense, but nowhere near where it was and I don't feel like living is a chore. I can focus on one thing at a time time and my head is not spinning as bad.
It has been about 5 minutes since I smoked that last hit. And I am about to go for my 3rd toke.
The other day my mom was discussing how old the women in my family live. Apparently we like to die in our 80's or 90's. That was most unpleasant news for me. To live like this every day - suffering - and in turn making others close to me suffer until I am in my 80's or 90's is a dreadful thought. I guess I am going to be the old lady smoking a joint in my rocker with my dogs by my side. Because what I was feeling when I started to write this is just that - suffering. I wish more people understood what it was like to live in pain everyday. Constant. Pain. And then add to the constant pain - nobody understands why you are in a foul mood. So that escalates situations.
Ah, my stomach just gave me the "feed me!" cue! This is good because it is 8 pm and I have not eaten all day. So, I have a smile on my face instead of a grimace, I am tolerating my pain much better now, and I am hungry. Side affects are much more pleasant than the side affects from Flexeril. I am going to go enjoy my side affects...
Right now my muscles ache desperately. I can feel my bones scraping against one another and that pain is much different from the muscle pain. Then my neck pain. At least I am able to turn my head today. Some days turning my head makes me wish for death. Not that bad in the pain department today - just so fucking uncomfortable that I am a complete bitch. I am taking my frustration out on someone (you know who you are) and that is not fair (even if I do have valid reason to be upset.). My pain intensifies my foul mood. I have not even mentioned the shooting pain in my legs from my sciatic nerve being pinched. I tried to rub my neck and feel sharp pain shoot down my right arm and makes my fingers make a fist (my right hand - pinky, ring finger and middle fingers) when I put pressure on a disc I can feel protruding from my spine. It feels like my neck needs to pop but it won't. I can't get part of my back to pop on my own so that hurts like hell too. Asking My Ex to pop my back is tiring - for BOTH of us.
I am trying to avoid taking Flexeril because I have things to do tomorrow. So, I am going to toke me some Obama because it won't make me sleep for 18 - 20 hours like the muscle relaxer. I do not think I should have to explain what I deal with on a daily basis but apparently I do. Maybe I can eat after I smoke too, because my stomach is pretty jacked up today from stress. Amazing that smoking pot will help me relax so my muscles do not ache as bad, help me deal with the pain instead of focus on it, improve my mood immensely and help ease my jacked up stomach so I can eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~
One toke later - I can feel my body relaxing a little bit. I can also feel that my jaw un-clenched. My mind has actually cleared of some of the bullshit running through it.
Two tokes - and I am starting to feel human. Pain is still here and pretty damn intense, but nowhere near where it was and I don't feel like living is a chore. I can focus on one thing at a time time and my head is not spinning as bad.
It has been about 5 minutes since I smoked that last hit. And I am about to go for my 3rd toke.
The other day my mom was discussing how old the women in my family live. Apparently we like to die in our 80's or 90's. That was most unpleasant news for me. To live like this every day - suffering - and in turn making others close to me suffer until I am in my 80's or 90's is a dreadful thought. I guess I am going to be the old lady smoking a joint in my rocker with my dogs by my side. Because what I was feeling when I started to write this is just that - suffering. I wish more people understood what it was like to live in pain everyday. Constant. Pain. And then add to the constant pain - nobody understands why you are in a foul mood. So that escalates situations.
Ah, my stomach just gave me the "feed me!" cue! This is good because it is 8 pm and I have not eaten all day. So, I have a smile on my face instead of a grimace, I am tolerating my pain much better now, and I am hungry. Side affects are much more pleasant than the side affects from Flexeril. I am going to go enjoy my side affects...
Friday, November 18, 2011
I Do Not Look Sick, But I Am
So I am reading this article about the DEA and their raids.
http://www.tokeofthetown.com/2011/11/dea_agents_made_marijuana_patient_evaluations_--_f.php
And yes, I am a bit pissed. I have said this before - I am a 35 year old white female. I look like every other 35 year old female. But what you cannot see is the pain I am in, the anxiety I feel, the sleeplessness that haunts me, or my stomach that makes me wish that sometimes I did not have to eat to survive.
The last time I checked DEA stood for Drug Enforcement Agency. And maybe my assumption is wrong, but since when did the DEA also become doctors?! And if my assumption is incorrect, I would never just take a doctor's recommendation on whether to take any kind of drug for any ailment I had not discussed with them first.
The DEA is staking out places where legit patients go to get their medicine. Good, make sure these places are operating by the law! But to judge whether these patients are legit by just observation is absolute bullshit! I want to shake sense into people! OPEN your eyes! Just because you cannot see something does not mean it does not exist! Damn, look at God for example! Has anyone (in their right mind) ever seen God? No. But yet there are millions of people that still believe in God. Just because you cannot see my pinched nerve does not mean is is not pinched. Just because you cannot see my muscles spasm doesn't mean they aren't. Those two things alone cause me so much pain. That is just the physical part. The mental part can really get to you if you let it, and it is so difficult not to some days. Nobody can see pain or what is running through my brain. You can see the pain on my face sometimes, but notice the word sometimes. I try to hide it and sometimes the shooting pain does not allow me to hide anything. And when trying to hide the pain I clench my jaw, which hurts because of this. Then my mood dips low and I put my Bitchy Pantaloons on. Not fun to be around me when those are on, hell I do not want to be around me when they are on! That is until I smoke weed. Yup, that horrible, illegal, gateway drug! It eases my pain! I want to live! I want to eat and am able to without fear of my stomach completely going foul. I will not get into detail, but trust me. It is not pleasant. My stomach issues stem from my years of taking morphine for my pain. You can't see my stomach issues either DEA/doctor! When I smoke I am able to be a functioning member of society. When I was taking morphine I was a far cry from functioning. Yet, morphine is legal. If you knew my history and spoke with me DEA/doctor judge would you deem me a qualified legit patient for cannabis? Probably not because I look "young" and that means I must be lying.
Federal Government! I am talking to you! Legalize already! Marijuana is already a multi-million dollar industry. Why not oh, I don't know, maybe make jobs and oh, let's say just for fun, put some money back into America!? Enough is enough. There are protesters that are obviously out of jobs, put them to work. Regulate marijuana like alcohol and I believe this country will benefit immensely. And I am not the only one who believes this thing we cannot yet see.
http://www.tokeofthetown.com/2011/11/dea_agents_made_marijuana_patient_evaluations_--_f.php
And yes, I am a bit pissed. I have said this before - I am a 35 year old white female. I look like every other 35 year old female. But what you cannot see is the pain I am in, the anxiety I feel, the sleeplessness that haunts me, or my stomach that makes me wish that sometimes I did not have to eat to survive.
The last time I checked DEA stood for Drug Enforcement Agency. And maybe my assumption is wrong, but since when did the DEA also become doctors?! And if my assumption is incorrect, I would never just take a doctor's recommendation on whether to take any kind of drug for any ailment I had not discussed with them first.
The DEA is staking out places where legit patients go to get their medicine. Good, make sure these places are operating by the law! But to judge whether these patients are legit by just observation is absolute bullshit! I want to shake sense into people! OPEN your eyes! Just because you cannot see something does not mean it does not exist! Damn, look at God for example! Has anyone (in their right mind) ever seen God? No. But yet there are millions of people that still believe in God. Just because you cannot see my pinched nerve does not mean is is not pinched. Just because you cannot see my muscles spasm doesn't mean they aren't. Those two things alone cause me so much pain. That is just the physical part. The mental part can really get to you if you let it, and it is so difficult not to some days. Nobody can see pain or what is running through my brain. You can see the pain on my face sometimes, but notice the word sometimes. I try to hide it and sometimes the shooting pain does not allow me to hide anything. And when trying to hide the pain I clench my jaw, which hurts because of this. Then my mood dips low and I put my Bitchy Pantaloons on. Not fun to be around me when those are on, hell I do not want to be around me when they are on! That is until I smoke weed. Yup, that horrible, illegal, gateway drug! It eases my pain! I want to live! I want to eat and am able to without fear of my stomach completely going foul. I will not get into detail, but trust me. It is not pleasant. My stomach issues stem from my years of taking morphine for my pain. You can't see my stomach issues either DEA/doctor! When I smoke I am able to be a functioning member of society. When I was taking morphine I was a far cry from functioning. Yet, morphine is legal. If you knew my history and spoke with me DEA/doctor judge would you deem me a qualified legit patient for cannabis? Probably not because I look "young" and that means I must be lying.
Federal Government! I am talking to you! Legalize already! Marijuana is already a multi-million dollar industry. Why not oh, I don't know, maybe make jobs and oh, let's say just for fun, put some money back into America!? Enough is enough. There are protesters that are obviously out of jobs, put them to work. Regulate marijuana like alcohol and I believe this country will benefit immensely. And I am not the only one who believes this thing we cannot yet see.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The American Dream is A Joke
The American Dream. You know the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog? Yeah, that dream. It is a big joke. America wants to lure us into thinking these are achievable dreams we can all reach and obtain. How is it possible to reach these goals if we are all looking for work? I swear if one more fucking asshole tells me to get a job, I might come fucking uncorked on them.
I quit a job I had because of many reasons. The main one was my employer was abusive - verbally. I hated going in to work because I was never sure what he would say or do next. The rules were always changing, which I am ok with, as long as you tell me what the rules are so I can follow them! He would also threaten often to fire someone, there were 3 employees he had and this threat would wear on me daily because of money. When I heard he was threatening to fire me I walked out. I could not handle anymore abuse. That was in October, it is now November. I had hoped to be a full-time employee somewhere by now. As I am sure several unemployed people had hoped to be gainfully employed by now too.
I have road blocks in my way while looking for work. I avoid anything that requires drug testing because of my choice of medication. That weeds (I really did not mean for the punny) out a LOT right there. Employers do not care if I partake in my medication while at work or not, since it is federally illegal, I am breaking the law. My frustration here is I am probably one of the best people for these jobs I avoid applying for. So, if I quit smoking pot I could get a job.
If I were to quit smoking I would not be a normally functioning member of society. I would be in so much pain. The muscle aches that won't let up. I in fact wondered the other day if what I was trying to rub out was bone and not muscle. The hollow ache inside my sciatic nerve would increase in intensity and eventually make me bed ridden. Then the depression sets in because I cannot do anything without the pain. That is when I start wishing for death to come take me away.
If I were to take the drugs prescribed to me by doctors for my pain as I have in the past, well, that is a long story. So let's get started. I was a HORRIBLE human being. First we shall start with the affects the meds had on me. I was ALWAYS sleeping. My friends stopped calling me to do stuff because I would be sleeping and grumpy they woke me. When I was able to do things I was a complete and utter bitch. I was pissed off at EVERYTHING! If I thought someone was looking at me sideways too long, I tore into them. And if I forgot to take my meds on time and I was out with friends, oh fuck, it was bad. Withdraws started and my bitchy pantaloons turned into psycho bitchy pantaloons. There was absolutely no reasoning with me. I was very dishonest. I lied to people who cared about me. I cheated on my boyfriends. I was numb to what my behavior and actions caused others. Numb. That is the perfect word - numb. I caused pain and heartache and I did not care.
I am now honest with myself and others. I admit my mistakes from my past. I am so proud of the person I am now. I KNOW I am good human being and I DESERVE to have the American Dream. But how can I achieve MY dream if the government puts road blocks in my way? The research is all there - in plain black and white. Marijuana, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja - whatever you call it, it is safer than anything else out there. But since someone somewhere thinks the US is making more money off it being illegal, it stays illegal. How is that helping ANY of us achieve the American Dream? There are no jobs for those of us truly looking. Make jobs for us by legalizing this plant. I will open a cafe, I will follow the rules, and I will help others in my situation. I have dreams too. Why throw around something you can't back up America? Now with that said, I am broke and close to being out of my meds so I am going to scrape what resin I can find and continue my job hunt.
I quit a job I had because of many reasons. The main one was my employer was abusive - verbally. I hated going in to work because I was never sure what he would say or do next. The rules were always changing, which I am ok with, as long as you tell me what the rules are so I can follow them! He would also threaten often to fire someone, there were 3 employees he had and this threat would wear on me daily because of money. When I heard he was threatening to fire me I walked out. I could not handle anymore abuse. That was in October, it is now November. I had hoped to be a full-time employee somewhere by now. As I am sure several unemployed people had hoped to be gainfully employed by now too.
I have road blocks in my way while looking for work. I avoid anything that requires drug testing because of my choice of medication. That weeds (I really did not mean for the punny) out a LOT right there. Employers do not care if I partake in my medication while at work or not, since it is federally illegal, I am breaking the law. My frustration here is I am probably one of the best people for these jobs I avoid applying for. So, if I quit smoking pot I could get a job.
If I were to quit smoking I would not be a normally functioning member of society. I would be in so much pain. The muscle aches that won't let up. I in fact wondered the other day if what I was trying to rub out was bone and not muscle. The hollow ache inside my sciatic nerve would increase in intensity and eventually make me bed ridden. Then the depression sets in because I cannot do anything without the pain. That is when I start wishing for death to come take me away.
If I were to take the drugs prescribed to me by doctors for my pain as I have in the past, well, that is a long story. So let's get started. I was a HORRIBLE human being. First we shall start with the affects the meds had on me. I was ALWAYS sleeping. My friends stopped calling me to do stuff because I would be sleeping and grumpy they woke me. When I was able to do things I was a complete and utter bitch. I was pissed off at EVERYTHING! If I thought someone was looking at me sideways too long, I tore into them. And if I forgot to take my meds on time and I was out with friends, oh fuck, it was bad. Withdraws started and my bitchy pantaloons turned into psycho bitchy pantaloons. There was absolutely no reasoning with me. I was very dishonest. I lied to people who cared about me. I cheated on my boyfriends. I was numb to what my behavior and actions caused others. Numb. That is the perfect word - numb. I caused pain and heartache and I did not care.
I am now honest with myself and others. I admit my mistakes from my past. I am so proud of the person I am now. I KNOW I am good human being and I DESERVE to have the American Dream. But how can I achieve MY dream if the government puts road blocks in my way? The research is all there - in plain black and white. Marijuana, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja - whatever you call it, it is safer than anything else out there. But since someone somewhere thinks the US is making more money off it being illegal, it stays illegal. How is that helping ANY of us achieve the American Dream? There are no jobs for those of us truly looking. Make jobs for us by legalizing this plant. I will open a cafe, I will follow the rules, and I will help others in my situation. I have dreams too. Why throw around something you can't back up America? Now with that said, I am broke and close to being out of my meds so I am going to scrape what resin I can find and continue my job hunt.
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