Pain

Pain is something you cannot see and we all deal with it differently. I am in an unreal amount of pain right now. I have not smoked any pot to ease it yet and am really wanting to so I can think straight. But I am going to write this while I am in pain in hopes that people see the anxiety pain can cause.

Right now my muscles ache desperately. I can feel my bones scraping against one another and that pain is much different from the muscle pain. Then my neck pain. At least I am able to turn my head today. Some days turning my head makes me wish for death. Not that bad in the pain department today - just so fucking uncomfortable that I am a complete bitch. I am taking my frustration out on someone (you know who you are) and that is not fair (even if I do have valid reason to be upset.). My pain intensifies my foul mood. I have not even mentioned the shooting pain in my legs from my sciatic nerve being pinched. I tried to rub my neck and feel sharp pain shoot down my right arm and makes my fingers make a fist (my right hand - pinky, ring finger and middle fingers) when I put pressure on a disc I can feel protruding from my spine. It feels like my neck needs to pop but it won't. I can't get part of my back to pop on my own so that hurts like hell too. Asking My Ex to pop my back is tiring - for BOTH of us.

I am trying to avoid taking Flexeril because I have things to do tomorrow. So, I am going to toke me some Obama because it won't make me sleep for 18 - 20 hours like the muscle relaxer. I do not think I should have to explain what I deal with on a daily basis but apparently I do. Maybe I can eat after I smoke too, because my stomach is pretty jacked up today from stress. Amazing that smoking pot will help me relax so my muscles do not ache as bad, help me deal with the pain instead of focus on it, improve my mood immensely and help ease my jacked up stomach so I can eat.

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One toke later - I can feel my body relaxing a little bit. I can also feel that my jaw un-clenched. My mind has actually cleared of some of the bullshit running through it.

Two tokes - and I am starting to feel human. Pain is still here and pretty damn intense, but nowhere near where it was and I don't feel like living is a chore. I can focus on one thing at a time time and my head is not spinning as bad.

It has been about 5 minutes since I smoked that last hit. And I am about to go for my 3rd toke.

The other day my mom was discussing how old the women in my family live. Apparently we like to die in our 80's or 90's. That was most unpleasant news for me. To live like this every day - suffering - and in turn making others close to me suffer until I am in my 80's or 90's is a dreadful thought. I guess I am going to be the old lady smoking a joint in my rocker with my dogs by my side. Because what I was feeling when I started to write this is just that - suffering. I wish more people understood what it was like to live in pain everyday. Constant. Pain. And then add to the constant pain - nobody understands why you are in a foul mood. So that escalates situations.

Ah, my stomach just gave me the "feed me!" cue! This is good because it is 8 pm and I have not eaten all day. So, I have a smile on my face instead of a grimace, I am tolerating my pain much better now, and I am hungry. Side affects are much more pleasant than the side affects from Flexeril. I am going to go enjoy my side affects...