Help is At Your Doctor's Fingertips

But they are not paid to tell you marijuana is safer than what they are giving you for what you are seeing them for. Ok, not always, but seriously weed helps with SO much your doctor is not telling you. I have been thinking about my last doctor visit and was happy and now am not so much. Here is why -

I went to my dr with the medical records I had. Not much but it was proof I was taking high doses of morphine for pain and a list of other meds to treat what the morphine was doing to me. It was proof I had tried the drugs, you do not get to 600mg of daily morphine over night, I had been on it for about a decade. I went in to get help treating my back pain. I asked about marijuana and he told me if I tried this drug and that drug and exhausted all options he would THEN consider marijuana. I am already a medical marijuana patient and yes, I kept this from him so I could get his opinion without bias toward my being a complete fucking pothead. I was happy about that answer then. And now, not so much. It seemed to appease me because he was open to prescribing marijuana to me. Now looking back, I see I should not have been so ok about it. I had proof - he even said I did - that the "regular" drugs were not working for me. After a few years the drugs become ineffective and they up the doses. Like that is going to do much else than further your addiction to the drug. It is a band aid. Not a fix.

I am extremely frustrated because a friend of mine has a loved one who could benefit from medical marijuana. But with this bullshit "Drug War" our government has brainwashed this nation into believing marijuana is this horrible drug that will do things to you that you cannot come back from. By the way, that is acid, not weed. Show me ONE person who has overdosed on cannabis. I can show you how it helps my pain, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety, my depression, and my over all quality of life. I bet I will be able to do that before you can show me an overdosed cannabis user.

Well, with our government lying to us and our media, I will take responsibility for telling the truth. Marijuana is a safe effective medicine and it will not cause you to sleep for 20 hours a day. Morphine made me sleep. A. LOT. I can recall one time I slept for 36 hours. How is something i do not understand, but it happened. I have said this all before, but it must be said again and again until EVERYONE knows it is safer than alcohol, it will not poison you, it is a safer alternative to SO many medications and the side affects are pleasant. Wanting to kill someone for looking in my general direction is not a good side affect. Wanting to stay in my apartment because I had no energy to get out of bed is not a good side affect. Smoking pot, I can still move my arms and legs and get up if I need to. Cannot say that about when I was on the morphine. Take control of your doctors appointments and ask questions. Seek the truth in treatment for you. You will know what is right for you.

I may still be in pain, but at least I am smiling. I am not wanting to kill myself to stop suffering the daily pain. I have eliminated more drugs than I can recall by using cannabis instead of Pfizer products. And I don't know if it was all Pfizer, but I know at least 3 drugs I took were. I also know my doctor was promised a golf trip if he prescribed a certain drug. I was leaving my appointment and heard most of that conversation. Pfizer and other big pharmaceutical companies don't want marijuana on the market - and neither does Budweiser or Coors and other alcohol distributors. Why? Because they won't make as much money. I will tell the truth, I will tell you marijuana should not only be legal for medical purposes, it should for recreational ones as well. Regulate it like alcohol and this country's debt will be lower, the country will be working, and here is the best part - this country will be happy.

Pain

Pain is something you cannot see and we all deal with it differently. I am in an unreal amount of pain right now. I have not smoked any pot to ease it yet and am really wanting to so I can think straight. But I am going to write this while I am in pain in hopes that people see the anxiety pain can cause.

Right now my muscles ache desperately. I can feel my bones scraping against one another and that pain is much different from the muscle pain. Then my neck pain. At least I am able to turn my head today. Some days turning my head makes me wish for death. Not that bad in the pain department today - just so fucking uncomfortable that I am a complete bitch. I am taking my frustration out on someone (you know who you are) and that is not fair (even if I do have valid reason to be upset.). My pain intensifies my foul mood. I have not even mentioned the shooting pain in my legs from my sciatic nerve being pinched. I tried to rub my neck and feel sharp pain shoot down my right arm and makes my fingers make a fist (my right hand - pinky, ring finger and middle fingers) when I put pressure on a disc I can feel protruding from my spine. It feels like my neck needs to pop but it won't. I can't get part of my back to pop on my own so that hurts like hell too. Asking My Ex to pop my back is tiring - for BOTH of us.

I am trying to avoid taking Flexeril because I have things to do tomorrow. So, I am going to toke me some Obama because it won't make me sleep for 18 - 20 hours like the muscle relaxer. I do not think I should have to explain what I deal with on a daily basis but apparently I do. Maybe I can eat after I smoke too, because my stomach is pretty jacked up today from stress. Amazing that smoking pot will help me relax so my muscles do not ache as bad, help me deal with the pain instead of focus on it, improve my mood immensely and help ease my jacked up stomach so I can eat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

One toke later - I can feel my body relaxing a little bit. I can also feel that my jaw un-clenched. My mind has actually cleared of some of the bullshit running through it.

Two tokes - and I am starting to feel human. Pain is still here and pretty damn intense, but nowhere near where it was and I don't feel like living is a chore. I can focus on one thing at a time time and my head is not spinning as bad.

It has been about 5 minutes since I smoked that last hit. And I am about to go for my 3rd toke.

The other day my mom was discussing how old the women in my family live. Apparently we like to die in our 80's or 90's. That was most unpleasant news for me. To live like this every day - suffering - and in turn making others close to me suffer until I am in my 80's or 90's is a dreadful thought. I guess I am going to be the old lady smoking a joint in my rocker with my dogs by my side. Because what I was feeling when I started to write this is just that - suffering. I wish more people understood what it was like to live in pain everyday. Constant. Pain. And then add to the constant pain - nobody understands why you are in a foul mood. So that escalates situations.

Ah, my stomach just gave me the "feed me!" cue! This is good because it is 8 pm and I have not eaten all day. So, I have a smile on my face instead of a grimace, I am tolerating my pain much better now, and I am hungry. Side affects are much more pleasant than the side affects from Flexeril. I am going to go enjoy my side affects...

I Do Not Look Sick, But I Am

So I am reading this article about the DEA and their raids.

http://www.tokeofthetown.com/2011/11/dea_agents_made_marijuana_patient_evaluations_--_f.php

And yes, I am a bit pissed. I have said this before - I am a 35 year old white female. I look like every other 35 year old female. But what you cannot see is the pain I am in, the anxiety I feel, the sleeplessness that haunts me, or my stomach that makes me wish that sometimes I did not have to eat to survive.

The last time I checked DEA stood for Drug Enforcement Agency. And maybe my assumption is wrong, but since when did the DEA also become doctors?! And if my assumption is incorrect, I would never  just take a doctor's recommendation on whether to take any kind of drug for any ailment I had not discussed with them first.

The DEA is staking out places where legit patients go to get their medicine. Good, make sure these places are operating by the law! But to judge whether these patients are legit by just observation is absolute bullshit! I want to shake sense into people! OPEN your eyes! Just because you cannot see something does not mean it does not exist! Damn, look at God for example! Has anyone (in their right mind) ever seen God? No. But yet there are millions of people that still believe in God. Just because you cannot see my pinched nerve does not mean is is not pinched. Just because you cannot see my muscles spasm doesn't mean they aren't. Those two things alone cause me so much pain. That is just the physical part. The mental part can really get to you if you let it, and it is so difficult not to some days. Nobody can see pain or what is running through my brain. You can see the pain on my face sometimes, but notice the word sometimes. I try to hide it and sometimes the shooting pain does not allow me to hide anything. And when trying to hide the pain I clench my jaw, which hurts because of this. Then my mood dips low and I put my Bitchy Pantaloons on. Not fun to be around me when those are on, hell I do not want to be around me when they are on! That is until I smoke weed. Yup, that horrible, illegal, gateway drug! It eases my pain! I want to live! I want to eat and am able to without fear of my stomach completely going foul. I will not get into detail, but trust me. It is not pleasant. My stomach issues stem from my years of taking morphine for my pain. You can't see my stomach issues either DEA/doctor! When I smoke I am able to be a functioning member of society. When I was taking morphine I was a far cry from functioning. Yet, morphine is legal. If you knew my history and spoke with me DEA/doctor judge would you deem me a qualified legit patient for cannabis? Probably not because I look "young" and that means I must be lying.

Federal Government! I am talking to you! Legalize already! Marijuana is already a multi-million dollar industry. Why not oh, I don't know, maybe make jobs and oh, let's say just for fun, put some money back into America!? Enough is enough. There are protesters that are obviously out of jobs, put them to work. Regulate marijuana like alcohol and I believe this country will benefit immensely. And I am not the only one who believes this thing we cannot yet see.

The American Dream is A Joke

The American Dream. You know the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog? Yeah, that dream. It is a big joke. America wants to lure us into thinking these are achievable dreams we can all reach and obtain. How is it possible to reach these goals if we are all looking for work? I swear if one more fucking asshole tells me to get a job, I might come fucking uncorked on them.

I quit a job I had because of many reasons. The main one was my employer was abusive - verbally. I hated going in to work because I was never sure what he would say or do next. The rules were always changing, which I am ok with, as long as you tell me what the rules are so I can follow them! He would also threaten often to fire someone, there were 3 employees he had and this threat would wear on me daily because of money. When I heard he was threatening to fire me I walked out. I could not handle anymore abuse. That was in October, it is now November. I had hoped to be a full-time employee somewhere by now. As I am sure several unemployed people had hoped to be gainfully employed by now too.

I have road blocks in my way while looking for work. I avoid anything that requires drug testing because of my choice of medication. That weeds (I really did not mean for the punny) out a LOT right there. Employers do not care if I partake in my medication while at work or not, since it is federally illegal, I am breaking the law. My frustration here is I am probably one of the best people for these jobs I avoid applying for. So, if I quit smoking pot I could get a job.

If I were to quit smoking I would not be a normally functioning member of society. I would be in so much pain. The muscle aches that won't let up. I in fact wondered the other day if what I was trying to rub out was bone and not muscle. The hollow ache inside my sciatic nerve would increase in intensity and eventually make me bed ridden. Then the depression sets in because I cannot do anything without the pain. That is when I start wishing for death to come take me away.

If I were to take the drugs prescribed to me by doctors for my pain as I have in the past, well, that is a long story. So let's get started. I was a HORRIBLE human being. First we shall start with the affects the meds had on me. I was ALWAYS sleeping. My friends stopped calling me to do stuff because I would be sleeping and grumpy they woke me. When I was able to do things I was a complete and utter bitch. I was pissed off at EVERYTHING! If I thought someone was looking at me sideways too long, I tore into them. And if I forgot to take my meds on time and I was out with friends, oh fuck, it was bad. Withdraws started and my bitchy pantaloons turned into psycho bitchy pantaloons. There was absolutely no reasoning with me. I was very dishonest. I lied to people who cared about me. I cheated on my boyfriends. I was numb to what my behavior and actions caused others. Numb. That is the perfect word - numb. I caused pain and heartache and I did not care.

I am now honest with myself and others. I admit my mistakes from my past. I am so proud of the person I am now. I KNOW I am good human being and I DESERVE to have the American Dream. But how can I achieve MY dream if the government puts road blocks in my way? The research is all there - in plain black and white. Marijuana, cannabis, weed, pot, ganja - whatever you call it, it is safer than anything else out there.  But since someone somewhere thinks the US is making more money off it being illegal, it stays illegal. How is that helping ANY of us achieve the American Dream? There are no jobs for those of us truly looking. Make jobs for us by legalizing this plant. I will open a cafe, I will follow the rules, and I will help others in my situation. I have dreams too. Why throw around something you can't back up America? Now with that said, I am broke and close to being out of my meds so I am going to scrape what resin I can find and continue my job hunt.

Legalize - PLEASE!

Today was the perfect example of why legalization would help me - at least. My mood was foul - very foul.  I am in pain, I have things going on in my life that are beyond frustrating - money, health, etc - and to top it off I was hungry. Not a good combo. I had plans with My Ex to run errands and we did, but being in pain and hungry my temper and patience  were very short. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon and that with the fact that My Ex cannot reek of marijuana right before he goes to work were the reasons I chose to not smoke. Now, choosing to not smoke My Ex got the brunt of my shitty attitude and my doctor got to see the immense pain I am in. So I guess that part is good, but the fact I would rather be dead, not so much.

This did give me the opportunity to feel out my doctor's opinion on marijuana, and I now know he is open to the idea - AFTER we try big pharma first. I said I would gather all my medical records to prove I had gone down that road. I only had a few records from former doctors. But I have started in the right direction and am choosing to stick with this doctor. He understands my insurance runs out on the 31st of this month and is willing to work with me. So anyway, good things happened - but I still was wishing for death.

If cannabis were legal, I would have lit up a joint with no fear of My Ex getting in trouble or proving to my doctor, yes, I am truly in immense pain - please kill me now. So now, after all that, I sit here with Grand Daddy Purps in my bong trying to figure out how to get through to people who don't see the benefits of legalization. I know legalization would benefit the economy - watching a documentary last night even the DEA agents all said cannabis is the LARGEST cash crop in America. I know it would benefit our health. It cures cancer for fucks sake. I know Big Pharma doesn't want the public to know this, but it is true. Yes, TRUE. 

http://youtu.be/L4GzKy62UBE

So, my rant is over for now. My mood is better, my pain is still there, but I can deal with it now and not feeling like I wish I were dead. Thanks to a non-toxic, non-addictive, natural plant.

Random Pot Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot about something an old friend of mine said about smoking cannabis and losing your rights. I also had a nice little mini-debate with a very close family member who thinks this is ok, until I spoke up. Well, not really, he is still very close minded about marijuana, but I made my point, and I know he heard it :D

Being a medical marijuana patient you lose your Second Amendment right - the one to bear arms. Yeah, that one. I will call my family member F and my friend will be C. And here it goes...

C and I are discussing this issue. C says, "Another reason to not smoke legally" - as in C refuses to lose their right to gun ownership. Can't say I blame C one single bit. Our living situations are different, but being able to have home security is nice. I know my dog wouldn't do shit if someone broke into my home, well she might try to play with them, but security, nah. Being able to provide my family with food. Now, even though I don't have a penis, I have hunted, and am not opposed to doing it again. I think providing food for my loved ones was one of the most amazing things I have done. Shot it, had the boys help me carry it since my back is so bad, I cleaned it, and helped cut it up and I even made dinner - several times over. With the deer I killed. I am not allowed to feed my family this way anymore because I smoke pot.

I debate with F about this issue. F brought up the Amendments and I bring up MMJ and lost rights. First thing F says is, "GOOD!". I ask why. Now, please keep in mind F is VERY conservative, beyond opinionated, and HATES anything illegal. My theory on that last one is how long F spent in the military and being brainwashed. Just what I think. So F tells me that anyone on medication should not have the right to bear arms! WOW! Being F is on medication I let F know that THEY should not have their guns then! I hit a nerve ;) See, F not only was a career military veteran, F also enjoys hunting and is concerned about home security. So F stammers, "But, I am not stoned on my medication..." I beg to differ, 800 mg ibuprofen has a warning label on it telling you it may cause drowsiness. Hmmm, this is an oddly familiar side affect of the natural medicine - CANNABIS!!!! So F promptly tells me the First Amendment says F doesn't have to listen to what I think about this issue. Now, I KNOW I hit a nerve, because this is F giving up and F doesn't give up. I let F know that yes, you don't have to listen to what I have to say but the way I was raised is to hear what the other person has to say and think about it. F knows who raised me and is rather quiet. I make my point that gun shop owners have been informed to discriminate against what people look like while purchasing guns. F actually agrees that discrimination is not ok. I feel a move in the direction of maaaaaaaaaaaybe getting through a little. Regardless, we debate and I voice that yes, we disagree and that is ok. I thank F for the healthy debate and go on about my day with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. I am growing balls to discuss marijuana with F and other members of my family, but especially F. So this made my day, if I got though amazing, and I know I didn't, but it is still amazing because what I think and how I feel is known.

So all this babbling does have a point. I find it sad that people have to choose to save their lives, their quality of life, ease their pain, help them go out in public and be members of society, deal with PTSD, deal with pain and may other ailments by using cannabis or still be a legal gun owner. Lawmakers, I BEG of you to explain to me WHY this makes sense to you! You must also be the same people who think everyone who smokes pot is a lazy video game addicted idiot. Well, you need to open your eyes and see this is not the case. I will fight you, and your ridiculous rules. And I will spread the truth about marijuana - pot - ganja - dank - sticky icky - oh I can go on, but I have three strains to medicate myself with and am not sure where to start.

Another Year... It Is Getting Better

Yup, tonight marks year 13. At least I can drive through that intersection a little easier now... I still get clammy hands, but at least I no longer break out into a full body sweat :)

We we coming home from Soul Coughing, an amazing show! I made sure that B (my ex-husband) did not drink more than one beer because I was already paranoid about drinking and driving. We were dropping off 4 (my sister's date) and were on Mill Plain headed north at the old library. This is what I can remember:

B was driving, I was the front passenger, C (my sister) behind B and 4 was behind me. We were at the light and it turned green and I told B, "Hey, it's green, GO!" Not yelling but kind of joking,. The next thing I remember is opening my eyes to see my windshield shattered and smoke coming from the engine. My airbag was open and dust was all in my mouth. I promptly passed out. When I opened my eyes again I heard C moaning. I look left and B is not conscious. I look at C and see blood - all over the place. I felt SO claustrophobic and removed my seat belt as quick as I could (not very quickly, I was woozy) and got out on my hands and knees. I was wearing a dress and got so much glass in my knees and hands from crawling to get C and B out. I get to the front of my car and there is a bumper on it (not mine), we are now facing west and my car - 1998 Toyota Corolla - is in the shape of a V. I was thinking how pissed I was my car was in pieces and my sister and B are bleeding but can't communicate with me yet. I realize I can't open the doors, but the windows are gone so I touch B and get him to make a noise, 4 is getting out right about this time, and I move to my sister's window and some (I will restrain from using negative terms about this person, even though I would really like to type what I think. I realize we all make mistakes and I have tried to forgive. I just cannot forget. No matter how hard I try.) woman comes at my car and is slurring her words and puts a hand in the driver's window and passenger's window - proceeds to shake my car and ask if they are ok! I am rather protective of the people I love and I went nuts on her. She was wearing a pink fuzzy sweater. People started getting between her and I. Witnesses, had not even dawned on me there could be people around. I smoked tobacco then and was freaking out and tried to light a smoke, but a cop freaked out and made me go sit down. Things get a little spotty here - I saw cops grab the woman that hit us and take her to their car and she was gone. I saw fire fighters, and the jaws of life came out. Imagine being in shock seeing this with two people who mean so much to you, trapped inside and you are told to sit and stay. I didn't do as I was told very well (still don't ;)) and when I was asking if B and C were ok I was getting vague answers, and well, I don't do well with those kinds of answers... They got B out and I heard them talking about how they were going to get C out - her left leg was trapped between the frame of the car and the driver's seat. I heard someone say amputate and well yeah, I think we can all imagine. They asked me who I wanted to ride with B or C. I chose my sister, and I would again. She was in worse shape, and I admit she means the world to me. I recall the ride to the hospital with her and the things I said. Those are going to stay with me, sorry. I remember the ER. Again, nobody wanted to tell me how C and B were, I FREAKED out until they gave me answers, they then sedated me. My parents showed up. Not fun. They had no idea I went and picked my sister up from school in Eugene for the show. They were NOT happy about that one bit.

All of us lived. I know my medical conditions stemmed from this night. I went to court and asked the judge to give the woman that hit us the most harsh sentence he could - she about killed 4 people. She refused to blow so the cops had to take her to the ER and get her blood drawn, it was over double the "legal" limit .08 for Washington State. I heard they had to strap her down to get it. I heard she went to jail for some time. I do not even recall her name. Not sure what has come of her, but she has really put a damper on my life. It's ok though, because she has also given me a purpose. To live the best life I possibly can.

So, to her, I take a bong hit, to help ease my pain, to help ease my anxiety and to help me smile.