Being on morphine for so long I became numb - to everything. I never realized how numb until I stopped taking it and started smoking marijuana as my medication.
While taking the morphine I was able to do more physically like I had before the car accident. It numbed my nerves enough that I was able to go to the gym again, go hiking, camping, snowboarding, all the stuff I wanted to do and had done previous to the accident. But the side affects were horrendous. I could not stay awake. Driving was out of the question most days. I could not get up in the morning so holding down a job was near impossible. Getting out of bed was such a huge ordeal for me. I would crawl back in pissed off and grumpy saying, "Fuck the world!" neglecting any and all responsibilities I had for days on end. I was always sick to my stomach - unable to eat or keep anything down. I was on edge, if someone looked at me sideways I would unleash my anger on them and that was never pretty. I was so emotional. Thinking about how my life was previous depressed me to no end. Crying was a common thing and it got old pretty quickly. The happy person I used to be seemed like a dream. Needless to say I did some things I am not proud of and keeping a healthy relationship going was not in the cards for me while taking morphine. My head was all screwed up. My body was all screwed up. I will not go into the side affects that are erhm - personal, but trust me there are quite a few. When I say I was numb, I mean even to the touch. I was a complete mess. And when the morphine stopped working the doctors would up the dose, making all of these issues amplified. Morphine was literally poisoning my body. I had to get blood work done each month to see how my liver and other organs were functioning. A few times I had seizures, I had no idea what was going on but knew something was not right. Oh by the way, the doctors did not believe me about the seizures. That was fun. My existence was miserable.
I wish I had questioned the doctors, but I have learned so much from this experience. Marijuana is an amazing plant and I will say this til the day I die. It helps me with my pain, my anxiety, my nausea, my not being able to sleep, and yes even my depression. I do not have the same depression issues I did while I was taking the morphine. I believe most of the depression was morphine induced. I have learned to listen to my pain - it tells me when to stop. And since stopping the morphine and switching to the non-toxic marijuana, I am able to wake up in the mornings in a decent mood - usually before my alarm goes off. That was an unthinkable act for me for 12+ years! I now have a healthy appetite and am able to keep my food down which is much more enjoyable. I may not be able to go to the gym anymore or go snowboarding, but walking my dog and lap swimming are helping keep me healthy. I am motivated to do things again and that feeling is so amazing. I want to get out of bed. I have my passion for life back. When someone touches me now I can feel it, I long for it. I used to jerk away from hugs and now I want more. Yeah, maybe I am that creepy hugger now :) You know, the one that doesn't let go when they should... Ok, but really. My head feels clear and normal (as normal as it can feel I suppose :)) and waiting for the weather to clear up is driving me crazy. I cannot wait for spring and summer so I can go hiking again! I want to do these things and desire to again.
The side affects of marijuana - giggles, munchies and epic weed naps. I will take these any day over the hell I have lived. All I can do is get my side of the story out there and hopefully educate people who are in a similar situation that there are alternatives out there to what the doctors are prescribing.
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